Having family that lives 5000 miles away I get to rack up the frequent flier miles. I also unfortunately have more air travel mishap stories than I can count! I get to travel home again this year for the holidays, and I’m going to try to learn from previous travel mistakes in the hope that things run smoothly.
Tip #1: Travel with someone that you get along with (or alternatively go by yourself)
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| As much as this may seem like a good idea at the time, your significant other may not agree with you. |
My ex-hubby and I typically got along great unless you stuck us both in an airport, gave us a ticket, and told us to get somewhere. In which case, World War 3 was typically on the brink of occurring. At the root of the problem was the fact that he hated airports and the actual process of traveling from A to B. That combined with the fact that there was a direct correlation between the last time he ate anything and his crabbiness index (and mine too for that matter). Also, in my case, while I usually have the patience of a saint, when sleep deprived that is not the case. Let’s just say that we could have been a highly entertaining couple to have on the Amazing Race!! So, it’s always a useful plan of action to travel with someone that you won’t want to strangle two hours into the flight! Of course, even if your travel partner is charming and doesn’t drive you crazy, there is no guarantee that your fellow passengers will follow suit. Odds are that you will be seated next to the morbidly obese man with hellish B.O. and breath that would make Shrek proud. Chances are there will also be an overly stressed out Mom behind you with a screaming baby and a four year old who really enjoys kicking your seat repeatedly. But just every so often, say once every decade or so, you may encounter a flight attendant who takes pity on you and moves you up the business class. Even better, once or twice in a lifetime you may be lucky enough for a free upgrade to first class. The last time that happened I didn’t bother with sleeping. Why would you when you have gourmet food and wine to consume?!? Now that was the life. How the other half live… I’m jealous!
Tip #2: When you really don’t want your bags to go missing, that is exactly when they will end up in Outer Mongolia
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| The cartoon says it all... |
Ah, lost luggage. Yes I’ve been there many times around. I learned my lesson that you should always have spare clothes in your carry-on luggage while on a trip to Paris. When selecting joggy bottoms, a jumper, and trainers to travel in (American translation: sweatpants, a sweater, and sneakers) I thought I was being sensible. Who doesn’t want to travel in comfortable clothing? I discovered that wandering about Paris in comfortable clothing leaves you feeling (and looking) like a slob. It took three days for the cases to materialize. Needless to say that after one day of slobbiness I had had enough! I hit the shops and got myself some Parisian fashions (and yes, I felt quite a bit better about myself after that).
But what if you are bringing gifts and they won’t fit into your carry-on? Ah well, then in that case you are just S.O.L. One year I was arriving home on Christmas Eve. I arrived safe and sound and on time, having made all of my connections (a rare occurrence indeed). But my suitcases? Nowhere to be found. Lamenting the fact that all of my presents where somewhere in limbo, I didn’t have much hope that I would see them anytime soon. So, imagine my surprise when they got delivered on Christmas morning. “It’s a bloody miracle!!” I proclaimed. “Just call me Santa Claus” chuckled the delivery driver.
Tip #3: The weather has a way of buggering up your travel plans - you just need to learn to accept that
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| What you DON'T want to see when you look at the departures screen |
Two years in a row while living in Vermont I arrived home a day later than planned for Christmas. The reason? Snow. Copious amounts of the white fluffy stuff raging outside. I arrived at the airport to be told “your flight is leaving New York on time. But we have no way of getting you there. Come back tomorrow.” No amount of begging and pleading can make a difference against Mother Nature. So you just need to learn to accept that. Like the time I was grounded at Bristol airport for 6 hours because of fog. This was after a long transatlantic flight, and I had a separate connection to make heading to Switzerland with my family. I was tired, hungry, cranky, stressing out big time about missing my next flight, and just done with traveling. It didn’t make for a pleasant journey. But it got much worse before it got better. The bags didn’t show up (of course), so I had some crazed last minute shopping to do. And then I arrived in Italy a day late only to come down with a nasty bug. If you were to do one of those psychological association tests on me and say “Lugano” I would tell you “stomach flu”. Not a pleasant association. I don’t care if it’s just a placebo effect – I now take a hefty dose of vitamins before stepping foot on a plane. Hello and thank you Airborne. Another useful tip is to always have extra snacks stashed away. It helps to keep the crabbiness at bay during those inevitable delays!
Tip #4: No matter how much they may push your buttons and provoke you, never insult the check-in lady
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| Perhaps I should get this printed on a t-shirt especially for traveling? |
As I’ve mentioned, I’m not a happy camper when sleep deprived. So last year when I found myself at the airport at 3am having had 2 hours sleep, I was already not starting from a good place. Anyone with any sense should know NOT to push my buttons when I’m operating on a total lack of sleep. This particular check-in lady though, didn’t appear to have received that memo. So there I was at the airport at 3am – 3 hours prior to the flight departure as stated on the airline website. The check in desk did not open until 4:30am – 90 minutes later than expected. So there I was, first in line of course because I had arrived so freakin’ early. I gather all my bags and go up to the check in desk only to be greeted by this sour faced woman who clearly wasn’t a morning person. I proceeded to go through the motions of handing over my details and passport etc. “You’re in the wrong line” she barked. I gave a look of confusion, because this was the only line. “This is only for people who are already checked in online” she stated, looking at me as if I was daft. I explained that I had tried to check in online and that the website wasn’t working properly. She didn’t care for my explanation. “Well you’re still in the wrong line” she snipped, “and I’m not going to help you. You can get to the end of the queue.” I looked at the line of fifty or so people that had formed and thought aye right. At that point my stubborn streak kicked in and I proceeded to launch into my I-have-been-in-this-freakin-airport-for almost-two-hours-because-of-your-stupid-airline-misinformation-and-you-will-check-me-in speech. It didn’t work. She insisted that I get back in line, to wait to be helped by the lady standing right next to her (literally right next to her). Letting out a furious sigh, I muttered “you don’t need to be such a bitch about it” and took my place next in line (I wasn’t about to go wait at the end of it). Unfortunately she heard my mutterings and glowered at me with an evil eye. Despite the fact that I was perfectly civil to the next lady that helped me, I still ended up with the worse seat on the plane. That’s right. The one right next to the smelly loo, with the seats that don’t recline. Thankfully that was only for a two hour flight and I got much better seats for the transatlantic portion. But boy did I learn my lesson. So no matter how sleep deprived you may be. Or how unhelpful and sour faced the check in lady may be, it is NEVER a good idea to insult her. Even if it is 100% justified. That is a situation where you should use your “inside voice”. It’s a wonder my luggage arrived at all that time!
So for my trip back to Scotland next week I am expecting the following to occur:
1) My flights will be delayed or canceled
2) My bags will go AWOL and arrive four days later than me
3) I will be seated next to a contestant on the Biggest Loser with Octomom and her kids in the row behind me
4) The check-in lady will be the most unhelpful person on the face of the planet and will do everything in her powers to push my buttons so that I have a tantrum that would make a 2 year old proud
But at the end of the day, as long as I make it safe and sound then that is okay with me. I can handle the rest of the drama and misery! At least it makes for entertaining stories after the fact…
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